I was with my family tonight and they spoke of cheating. classic. and perfect timing. I mean I've been reflecting on it a bunch but today more than ever.
I haven't said a word to them and for that i feel guilty. and obviously it was all negative. I felt like it was all targeted to me. it wasn't but i felt like the dart board.
on that night, I sat in the room with stale air. the chair was hard and uncomfortable. he said i was making him uncomfortable so I crawled to the bed and curled in a little ball hoping it would all go away. the bed was soft and he was cuddle-able. though I didn't plan for the actions yet I knew full well that it would happen. I wanted it, but i didn't. all at once I was torn in many directions but the attraction pulled me far more intensely. the fear of my future and the strong pull to make him rid of my worries. in a sense i was using him, but I was being used. his voice was accented to an eastern state, foreign and enticing. I wanted all of it and knew fully what I was getting myself into. But nothing was being drown out, everything got louder. it was all clear and the consequences where unfolding with every movement.
What really helped was the conversations. the sex was short and not note-worthy. it was sex. It needed to happen because I knew that it would. even without the act I had cheated. I let it happen. but the following conversations was what relieved my pain and my dark and unknown future. I wanted the moment to never end. I got dressed the next moment and sat on the edge of the bed but all I wanted was to be wrapped in his beautifully scripted stories and get lost in his warm voice.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
my own home
I have this desire to see you.
I dreamt last night that I was in your arms again. I was myself. not my awkward and afraid self. just myself. granted I am an awkward person but it was me and i wasn't hiding behind any fear. the moment was pure and calm. your friends came home and the doors where open so that was a little weird. we rolled onto the floor and you said I should stay. Why was I happy about this. I dont want to be with anyone. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. I always have this attraction, this unrealistic attraction to someone. I need to stop this. change my life. I dont want my comfort and happiness on someone I dont even know. I need this to stop.
you asked me to stay and my answer is no. I may visit but my home is with my own heart. I will build my own happiness. my answer is no.
I woke up sad because I was alone. but that is what I want. I need to learn to live alone. to not need another person by my side. Ive always needed this. I grew up tied to my best friends hip. to my moms hip. to my sisters. and when they all went on their own I tied myself to an unhealthy relationship. I got myself in that situation and I felt that I was stuck. I have the power to change, and to make my own future.
This is a reflection and Ive realized how much power my heart and lust have over my brain. I have realized that I can either let it control me or I can control it. I must find the balance of following my heart and following my dreams.
where have my dreams gone?
I dreamt last night that I was in your arms again. I was myself. not my awkward and afraid self. just myself. granted I am an awkward person but it was me and i wasn't hiding behind any fear. the moment was pure and calm. your friends came home and the doors where open so that was a little weird. we rolled onto the floor and you said I should stay. Why was I happy about this. I dont want to be with anyone. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. I always have this attraction, this unrealistic attraction to someone. I need to stop this. change my life. I dont want my comfort and happiness on someone I dont even know. I need this to stop.
you asked me to stay and my answer is no. I may visit but my home is with my own heart. I will build my own happiness. my answer is no.
I woke up sad because I was alone. but that is what I want. I need to learn to live alone. to not need another person by my side. Ive always needed this. I grew up tied to my best friends hip. to my moms hip. to my sisters. and when they all went on their own I tied myself to an unhealthy relationship. I got myself in that situation and I felt that I was stuck. I have the power to change, and to make my own future.
This is a reflection and Ive realized how much power my heart and lust have over my brain. I have realized that I can either let it control me or I can control it. I must find the balance of following my heart and following my dreams.
where have my dreams gone?
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
growing a little
Perhaps I've had this hunger for attention, this sense of loneliness, and this lack of direction because I've denied my thirst to write; to create. My mind is so damn full of this scrambled words and I find it hard to make sense of them. I try to paint a picture for my sparse audience and it all comes out a wreck. the words are nonsense when they appear out of order. Perhaps all I've needed was an outlet. a place for my thoughts and not for the audience but a place to wrangle my words.
At this point in my life I am lost. I just broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year (scant 2 months), I cheated on him 4 days prior, and all I wanted was to be single. well, now I'm single but feeling empty and even further from my dreams. The man I spent the night (though he is a stranger in this story, I had spent a few days getting used to his smile) said I'm better off than he was at my age. that might be true but I still have nothing to show for my accomplishments. and I still haven't graduated. I don't know why it matters to me so much but it has been brought up a lot lately. My father said he would pay for my debt and I started to cry. strait up bawled on the 15 in the middle of Utah. Finishing my degree is one of the scariest things to me but without one I feel like the largest failure in the entire world. I felt out of control.
Lying in this seemingly strangers arms still in the middle of a relationship and I felt awkward. He said perhaps he was my luck. That all of that week was luck; that we where supposed to meet. That all of it was meant to happen. How is cheating a good thing? it wasn't. and I will forever feel like I did wrong, but in that moment, that word, luck. it made sense. I'd say luck isn't always a good thing nor does it have good timing. I needed out and I felt it was essential to catalyst. This stranger was my way out and I knew this sitting there sober and fully aware of my actions. I knew that being intoxicated would give me that no-good excuse of having no control of my actions. Even drunk we are aware. I more than others. Ever since I was 16 I couldn't let go of my control. I never turned into a crazy drunk, I cant just let go. this is the one thing I had control of in my life. I didn't know what I was going to do next. if Id ever go back to school, if I'd make it back to Utah, if I'd ever leave. I had no control of my life or had no Idea what I wanted. But that moment on that night with that stranger. I had full control. None of it felt wrong either. Morally, yes it felt unbearable. But truthfully, to myself the attraction to that stranger was undeniable. Because of this attraction for this stranger I knew I would be no material for a relationship. not because I was being a strait up ass and cheating but because I couldn't pretend that I'm made for one. I want to be completely independent. I probably will never marry. I may never love romantically again. Ive opened my eyes to my darkness and I know for a fact that I cant go back.
I don't see this darkness as a bad thing. like luck its nighter good nor bad but it is just luck. Im not made for marriage and I am completely ok with that. I still have dogs and I still have great human connections but my dreams are where my heart lies. My ambitions and this passion to travel this beautiful world and immense nature; that is where my heart lies.
Will I ever get control on my life? I really hope so. But I know I will not be forcing something that is not meant to be. Im going to follow my heart. Im going to pave my own way to my dreams and not expect them to show up around the corner. Perhaps I needed to loose control in order to regain it. This stranger was just my luck.
I like you and thats ok.
At this point in my life I am lost. I just broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year (scant 2 months), I cheated on him 4 days prior, and all I wanted was to be single. well, now I'm single but feeling empty and even further from my dreams. The man I spent the night (though he is a stranger in this story, I had spent a few days getting used to his smile) said I'm better off than he was at my age. that might be true but I still have nothing to show for my accomplishments. and I still haven't graduated. I don't know why it matters to me so much but it has been brought up a lot lately. My father said he would pay for my debt and I started to cry. strait up bawled on the 15 in the middle of Utah. Finishing my degree is one of the scariest things to me but without one I feel like the largest failure in the entire world. I felt out of control.
Lying in this seemingly strangers arms still in the middle of a relationship and I felt awkward. He said perhaps he was my luck. That all of that week was luck; that we where supposed to meet. That all of it was meant to happen. How is cheating a good thing? it wasn't. and I will forever feel like I did wrong, but in that moment, that word, luck. it made sense. I'd say luck isn't always a good thing nor does it have good timing. I needed out and I felt it was essential to catalyst. This stranger was my way out and I knew this sitting there sober and fully aware of my actions. I knew that being intoxicated would give me that no-good excuse of having no control of my actions. Even drunk we are aware. I more than others. Ever since I was 16 I couldn't let go of my control. I never turned into a crazy drunk, I cant just let go. this is the one thing I had control of in my life. I didn't know what I was going to do next. if Id ever go back to school, if I'd make it back to Utah, if I'd ever leave. I had no control of my life or had no Idea what I wanted. But that moment on that night with that stranger. I had full control. None of it felt wrong either. Morally, yes it felt unbearable. But truthfully, to myself the attraction to that stranger was undeniable. Because of this attraction for this stranger I knew I would be no material for a relationship. not because I was being a strait up ass and cheating but because I couldn't pretend that I'm made for one. I want to be completely independent. I probably will never marry. I may never love romantically again. Ive opened my eyes to my darkness and I know for a fact that I cant go back.
I don't see this darkness as a bad thing. like luck its nighter good nor bad but it is just luck. Im not made for marriage and I am completely ok with that. I still have dogs and I still have great human connections but my dreams are where my heart lies. My ambitions and this passion to travel this beautiful world and immense nature; that is where my heart lies.
Will I ever get control on my life? I really hope so. But I know I will not be forcing something that is not meant to be. Im going to follow my heart. Im going to pave my own way to my dreams and not expect them to show up around the corner. Perhaps I needed to loose control in order to regain it. This stranger was just my luck.
I like you and thats ok.
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