Perhaps I've had this hunger for attention, this sense of loneliness, and this lack of direction because I've denied my thirst to write; to create. My mind is so damn full of this scrambled words and I find it hard to make sense of them. I try to paint a picture for my sparse audience and it all comes out a wreck. the words are nonsense when they appear out of order. Perhaps all I've needed was an outlet. a place for my thoughts and not for the audience but a place to wrangle my words.
At this point in my life I am lost. I just broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year (scant 2 months), I cheated on him 4 days prior, and all I wanted was to be single. well, now I'm single but feeling empty and even further from my dreams. The man I spent the night (though he is a stranger in this story, I had spent a few days getting used to his smile) said I'm better off than he was at my age. that might be true but I still have nothing to show for my accomplishments. and I still haven't graduated. I don't know why it matters to me so much but it has been brought up a lot lately. My father said he would pay for my debt and I started to cry. strait up bawled on the 15 in the middle of Utah. Finishing my degree is one of the scariest things to me but without one I feel like the largest failure in the entire world. I felt out of control.
Lying in this seemingly strangers arms still in the middle of a relationship and I felt awkward. He said perhaps he was my luck. That all of that week was luck; that we where supposed to meet. That all of it was meant to happen. How is cheating a good thing? it wasn't. and I will forever feel like I did wrong, but in that moment, that word, luck. it made sense. I'd say luck isn't always a good thing nor does it have good timing. I needed out and I felt it was essential to catalyst. This stranger was my way out and I knew this sitting there sober and fully aware of my actions. I knew that being intoxicated would give me that no-good excuse of having no control of my actions. Even drunk we are aware. I more than others. Ever since I was 16 I couldn't let go of my control. I never turned into a crazy drunk, I cant just let go. this is the one thing I had control of in my life. I didn't know what I was going to do next. if Id ever go back to school, if I'd make it back to Utah, if I'd ever leave. I had no control of my life or had no Idea what I wanted. But that moment on that night with that stranger. I had full control. None of it felt wrong either. Morally, yes it felt unbearable. But truthfully, to myself the attraction to that stranger was undeniable. Because of this attraction for this stranger I knew I would be no material for a relationship. not because I was being a strait up ass and cheating but because I couldn't pretend that I'm made for one. I want to be completely independent. I probably will never marry. I may never love romantically again. Ive opened my eyes to my darkness and I know for a fact that I cant go back.
I don't see this darkness as a bad thing. like luck its nighter good nor bad but it is just luck. Im not made for marriage and I am completely ok with that. I still have dogs and I still have great human connections but my dreams are where my heart lies. My ambitions and this passion to travel this beautiful world and immense nature; that is where my heart lies.
Will I ever get control on my life? I really hope so. But I know I will not be forcing something that is not meant to be. Im going to follow my heart. Im going to pave my own way to my dreams and not expect them to show up around the corner. Perhaps I needed to loose control in order to regain it. This stranger was just my luck.
I like you and thats ok.
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