my own home

I have this desire to see you.

I dreamt last night that I was in your arms again. I was myself. not my awkward and afraid self. just myself. granted I am an awkward person but it was me and  i wasn't hiding behind any fear. the moment was pure and calm. your friends came home and the doors where open so that was a little weird. we rolled onto the floor and you said I should stay. Why was I happy about this. I dont want to be with anyone. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. I always have this attraction, this unrealistic attraction to someone. I need to stop this. change my life. I dont want my comfort and happiness on someone I dont even know. I need this to stop.

you asked me to stay and my answer is no. I may visit but my home is with my own heart. I will build my own happiness. my answer is no.

I woke up sad because I was alone. but that is what I want. I need to learn to live alone. to not need another person by my side. Ive always needed this. I grew up tied to my best friends hip. to my moms hip. to my sisters. and when they all went on their own I tied myself to an unhealthy relationship. I got myself in that situation and I felt that I was stuck. I have the power to change, and to make my own future.

This is a reflection and Ive realized how much power my heart and lust have over my brain. I have realized that I can either let it control me or I can control it. I must find the balance of following my heart and following my dreams.

where have my dreams gone?