I was with my family tonight and they spoke of cheating. classic. and perfect timing. I mean I've been reflecting on it a bunch but today more than ever.
I haven't said a word to them and for that i feel guilty. and obviously it was all negative. I felt like it was all targeted to me. it wasn't but i felt like the dart board.
on that night, I sat in the room with stale air. the chair was hard and uncomfortable. he said i was making him uncomfortable so I crawled to the bed and curled in a little ball hoping it would all go away. the bed was soft and he was cuddle-able. though I didn't plan for the actions yet I knew full well that it would happen. I wanted it, but i didn't. all at once I was torn in many directions but the attraction pulled me far more intensely. the fear of my future and the strong pull to make him rid of my worries. in a sense i was using him, but I was being used. his voice was accented to an eastern state, foreign and enticing. I wanted all of it and knew fully what I was getting myself into. But nothing was being drown out, everything got louder. it was all clear and the consequences where unfolding with every movement.
What really helped was the conversations. the sex was short and not note-worthy. it was sex. It needed to happen because I knew that it would. even without the act I had cheated. I let it happen. but the following conversations was what relieved my pain and my dark and unknown future. I wanted the moment to never end. I got dressed the next moment and sat on the edge of the bed but all I wanted was to be wrapped in his beautifully scripted stories and get lost in his warm voice.
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